December 31, 2012

This Past Month .::December::.

- Chose to self-pitying for a few days.  Bich helped me to resurface.  Funny how intimacy can be had with an old friend.  Like the connection was never lost.
+ Played "name that tune" with Thuan.  Nice how we've always had a close connection. 
+ Set some goals, three in the morning.  That was fun.
+ Met Monica's new boyfriend.  He seems really nice.  Of course I felt a little jealousy but mostly I am happy and wish them both the best.  Relationships are challenging enough.  No need to send negative energy.
+ Made conversation with an attractive woman on the bus.  That was awkward and fun.  Next time I plan to record these cold calls.  Hilarious.
+ was thinking about my lonely days spent in Vermont, Boston, and NYC.  Interesting time in my life.
+ thought about my time working at Chili's Bar and Grill and how I used to play snowball fighting with the cooks.  I generally love the cooks.  Hard working guys/gals. 
+ had a dream about my dad but noticed that there was a lack of fear.  I stood strong, affirmed.  Not sure if that's a sign of progress but making a mental note.
+ A strange night.  Went to the jam but the location had changed so I spent the evening doing handstands and juggling, dropped off a book for Ashlyn, and then randomly met a pair of high school girls who asked me if I could spare some change.  I said no at first but thought twice to offer to buy them something to eat at Whataburger.  They turned out to be good kids.  Glad I did that.  Reminded me of the times I took homeless people out for a meal.
+ When you're in a happy state every thought is funny.  "Biked" into Shay and had a great 2 hour massage with David. 
+ Went to my first sweat lodge.  Boy it was intense.  I learned that your energy effects others and vice versa.  I make the sound "xai!" when I need inner strength and i get into beast mode.  Then I realize i can also remain in beast mode by simply taking on a clam state and breathing deeply, that I can breathe in the fire and survive it, even welcome it.  It's important to renew, to close our eyes and open our hearts.  To connect to a higher consciousness.  To take one day at a time.  To realize that someday I shall be free.  I get to choose when that day comes.  To decide to face the fire and not to turn my back to it takes courage and self belief.  I find strength in knowing that I am needed, that I can serve, that I can be of comfort.  It takes my focus away from my self pity.  The knowledge that we are all experiencing the same challenge is helpful.  That we can get through things together.  I went into the sweat with curiosity and discovered that the lesson I would learn was one of faith.  You see, I saw a bottle when the sun was still out, but when the sun set, I needed to have faith that the bottle was still there even though I could no longer "see" it.  I met some guys I felt a kinship with, Daniel and Nick, and an assortment of interesting people.  I was touched by Bright Sky's mourning and to have shared the experience with Erin.  There was a feminine energy in receiving the heat and I tried my best to remain open to it. 
+ Got to experience Erin being vulnerable in my presence.  That was a gift.
+ Had fun reconnecting with Kai.  Maybe boys and girls can be friends.  sort of.
+ Work and play.  Repeat.  Life is good.
+ I'm glad I was able to have a relationship with Monica.  I made my share of mistakes but overall it was a good experience. also to have helped save the Friday Acro Jam
+ I love Christmas music.
+ Read the Prophet.  Wisdom I really needed.  by Kilal Ghilran or something.  Lebonese poet.
cried today on the bus. trying my best. sometimes i feel like i'll never get there. there being self love. Can i really love and accept myself for who and where I am?  What must I believe about myself for that to be true?  That I am whole.  That I am worthy.  That I am loved despite my shortcomings.  That I have an opportunity to learn and grow.  And that the challenges I experience help me to connect with others and give me an understanding that I can share.
+ Board games are awesome.  My favorites currently are Apples to Apples, Quelf, and Dominion.
+ It's amazing how our eyes and hands can coordinate.
+ 12/2 The strangest thing happened today.  A guy who randomly saw me at the farmer's market gifted me a delicious apple.  Only in Austin.